one month shy of a year

One Month Shy of a Year

It took one month shy of a year, for it all to change. To pick up, renew, restore ,refocus. We started from something unadulterated and pure, and ended in something evil, challenging, something that broke my spirit. 

But it took from the start to finish to realize that beauty, is so much in the eyes of the beholder, and sometimes you have to weather the storm to realize what the rainbow is going to look like on the other side now. 

It took falling in love three more times, with three more people who weren’t ever your equivalent, your counter part, even your elder. It took falling in love three more times with people who became either out of reach, unbearably not mine, or all consuming. I chose all consuming but he didn’t choose me. 

Light flickers occasionally in my bedroom on things that may or may not be there, but are relatively new to this feeling. This relentless feeling of may I, are they, no you were never really there.

The four walls of this tiny town have closed in on me a few too many times between the bars we frequented, the friends we didn’t have and the image we spent too long trying to uphold. It’s gone now, a distant flicker over the reflection of Wesley lake. 

It took one month shy of a year, for all of this to change. And these days I don’t miss you anymore.I’m not sure I ever really did. But it took this, knocking down, building up, falling apart, and rebirth. It took all of that to be re born.So I won’t trade the tears, the cuts, the blood I lost for you. It took all that to bring me here, right now. Strong, fearless, beautiful 

Fuck off Walt.

Walt Disney, really has screwed me. 

After three more drinks I expect a man to walk through this door on a white horse, throw me on the back, and take me to a castle where we’ll live happily ever after. 

Does anyone call bullshit I’ve waited twenty four years for this fairy tale and it simply does not exist. But I keep looking because Cinderella found her prince. And I don’t have a wicked step mother, but I’d love a pair of glass slippers. 

Snow white ate a poison apple, and got kissed by a prince. I eat apples, so why do I always kiss dopey and grumpy?

In my dreams we’ll fly on a magic carpet ride, to a whole new world, and when we get there it is on. 

See I want to believe cause sometimes it’s the only thing that helps me sleep at night. 

Beauty met the beast, they lived a block from the beach and when the petals fell off the rose, he left her. 

So I’ll keep looking, cause my Mom always told me I was a princess, and Walt Disney made me believe it. But if I have a daughter, she’ll get little red riding hood, kill the big bad wolf,cause that fairy tale, definitely has a happy ending. 

watch it burn.

As I pulled out on your street, I flicked my cigarette out the window, I watched the embers scatter as I mentally said goodbye for the last time. I made a list in my head as to why I would never be good enough:

1. I’m really bad at being a girl. Sometimes I burp too loud, I use the word fuck like a comma, and my nail polish is always chipped. 

2. I’m not very friendly, I dont care to get to know your friends, or their favorite color. 

3. I smoke way too much, far too often. I drink like a 200 lb man, and tend to get sloppy, and on occasion I puke in my closet. 

4. I tend to pick fights I can’t win, and generally find myself in trouble, thankfully my best friend is a boxer.

5. I listen to really bad pop music, because you really cannot. get enough britney spear. 

6. My cell phone is like a third arm, I am always on it, I will not compromise, I am probably tweeting as we speak.

7. I get jealous…frequently about irrational things like how much time you spend with your dog.

8. I complain..incessantly, often, about pretty much everything you can think of. In a minute I’ll be complaining I need a cocktail. 

9. I hate when people sleep in my bed, I hog the covers, snore on occasion and am not very good at sharing my space. 

10. I believe in fairytales, and I was hoping you’d be mine. 

But on the ride home, I remembered fairy tales don’t exist. And I may not be perfect, but I am worth it.  So I light another cigarette, and smile through the smoke, because my bad habits die hard, but at least they never leave me. 

A look back.

This year has been crazy, filled with ups and down, loss and pain, and a lot of things realized. 

1. At the beginning of the year I started out to change everything, truth..not much got changed. 

2. I moved. A LOT. from bradley to holmdel, and holmdel to asbury. I am a goddamn gypsy.

3. My best friend fell in love. I am so incredibly, over the moon happy for her. 

4. I fell in love at least 6 times this year, all with people undoubtedly wrong for me. And definitely too old. note to self: stop looking for love in asbury park. 

5. I lost a relationship I really cared about, it really rocked everything I have. I’m still healing.

6. I gained 4 new friends that I absolutely adore, all men, all in the most platonic sense possible. 

7. I decided to go back to school, to be a writer, because more then anything the sounds of keys being pressed on a keyboard gives me hope that tomorrow I can make it. 

8. My brother, has become more important to me than anything else in my entire life. I love him, and will continue to step up when anyone tries to fuck with him. 

9. I had the best summer of my entire life. despite the penny throwing incident. (I am not a stalker, I really did think it was hilarious…at the time.)

10. I want 2012 to be the year that all of my friends and family, succeed, prosper, and fall in love. I would like all those things to, but right now I want it for everyone I love, because throughout this year I have fallen apart some many times there are a few people, who know who they are, that I couldn’t have put the pieces back without. 

Thank you friends, here’s to 2012, being better then 2011. And here’s to all of you. 

the countdown is on.

Christmas is in 8 days. I have 8 days left to get everything I need to get done, done. Totally do-able, I’m not stressed at all. I’m actually really excited for Christmas, while I’m sure I won’t be getting a trip to Italy, I will enjoy being with my friends and family. 

However, right after the holiday, its go time. Jessica has bet me that I can’t lost 25 pounds in 3 months. Well guess what, I’m upping the ante. I’m gonna bet that I can lose 30 and keep it off until my birthday.

So, you wont be seeing me after New Years, because part of me losing weight, is me hibernating in my house, and working out two times a day like a lunatic like I did when I lived with marc. Hopefully he can call me and tell me to go to sit ups cause I’m fat, that was always really motivating. 

So I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. See you all when I’m skinny as hell!